I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
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Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.