I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
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I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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