Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
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What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
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Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Your youporn search history says otherwise.