He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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