mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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