Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
did i walk over a car last night?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
