I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
