Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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