so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Too much gin, very little bucket
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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