Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
