I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
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Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think I just sharted jello shots
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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