Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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