you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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