i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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