My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
