Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
