no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
