I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
