Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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