Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
