My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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