she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I think i got beer on your cat.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
