Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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