So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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