I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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