It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
