My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Randomize
