He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
