Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
