the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You ate ashes out of my bong
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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