Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
