i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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