Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
