I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
