cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
