Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
