I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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