I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize