Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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