i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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