Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Semen is not good for contacts.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
