i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
