I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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