yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
