Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
