Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
