I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
