Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
