Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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