I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
