So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
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Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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