Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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