My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
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in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
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I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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