I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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