We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
