It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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