Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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